If I was moderately famous, I'd like to die in the summer. The news lull would mean maximum-mourning publicity, and that's obviously what counts. Q - When did Mother Teresa die? A - The same week as Princess Diana, seriously, look it up if you don't believe me. It was page 8 news; one of the modern day martyrs of the world seriously short-changed on column inches. Poor bitch. I bet she was gutted, done all that work with lepers and she gets page 8...I didn't even know she was ill. It's a bit like planning your birthday night out over the world cup final, just know when you're beaten.

So I'm back. I'd like to think a lot's happened but it hasn't. Everyone knows nothing happens in the summer; most politics is in limbo, the city is in a slumber with traders having closed their positions and the high rollers are on holiday. You only need to read the papers to see lazy journalism (it's a great time for PR agencies) and to realise it was 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back and also, ultimately, that you should still be on a break with the rest of the world.